Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
