i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
