I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
