Little spoons don't ask big questions
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
