Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
