I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
