Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Oh god it's open bar.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
