I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
