Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
