I will die if light touches me.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
