The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
