The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
