i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
