sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
