I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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