I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
