you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
