Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
