Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Your penis caused this!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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