I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
