3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
