I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
