I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
