I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
