Umm I'm too high to move.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
