Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
