so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
