I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The Olympian is in my bed
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
