Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
