yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
