My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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