My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
