Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
