dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
