im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
