Im at strip club and am horny
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
