I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
