THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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