I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
