Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
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