I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
