I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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