i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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