my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
