I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
