Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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