I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
40s are totally the cure
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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