in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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