I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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