dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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